Mom

My mom is hard to describe. She was different things to different people. My sisters and I always joke that we had "different mothers." I suppose that would be true in any family. Each one has his/her own unique relationship with another, and sees the other in a way uniquely his/hers.

My earliest memory of my mom is that she was beautiful. She and my dad must have been going out for the evening to some dressy event. I remember her coming in to say goodnight, and she was all dressed up. Black dress with shiny necklace with lots of rhinestones and earrings to match. I remember her eyes were very bright. I thought she was the most beautiful woman ever!

She was a wonderful cook, a characteristic that I, unfortunately, didn't inherit. She was a great seamstress and sewed all of our clothes for many years. I think the first "store bought" dress I ever had was when I was in 8th grade and was greeting and receiving gifts at my cousin's wedding. I never resented homemade clothes. I guess some kids would have, but I didn't know any different.

She was creative as well. She always made our halloween costumes. No store bought costumes for us! When I say "made," I mean that she took a bit of this and a bit of that and put it together for a costume. One year I was Cinderella, but not the one at the ball with the prince. I was the dirty slave Cinderella covered in soot. I was so embarrassed, I'll never forget it. Another year I was the "Harvest Queen," whatever that was. I remember she made a headdress of sorts out of vegetables. Again, humiliation abounded! Like I said, she was creative!

She had a wonderful sense of humor. That is something that I absolutely DID inherit from her. I call it my sick sense of humor. We could see something funny in just about anything. It got us in trouble sometimes!

Unfortunately, she was also depressed a lot of the time, especially once I got into late elementary school. I don't think she ever really felt happy after that. It was sad to see the change in her, because I remember her as being very happy before that. I think (therapist hat on here) that a lot of her childhood stuff just caught up with her and she didn't know how to deal with it. Counseling wasn't real common back then.

She had polio when she was little (before age 5) and had many hard experiences as a result of that. It actually was a miracle she ever walked again. She liked to tell the story of how my grandpa walked into her hospital room (they had her bound so she couldn't move) and said, "She's not getting any better. I'm taking her home." I guess he started working with her or found someone who would, and she started walking again. Always walked with a limp though, which she was very self conscious about.

She also suffered with her parents' divorce when she was about 9 years old. I don't think she ever recovered from her dad leaving her with her mom, who was...er, difficult at best.

My mom made a lot of mistakes in raising me. She was hard on me. She was critical and I was always compared with someone else (different people at different times) who she wanted me to be more like. She took out her rage on me at times and I grew up fearful and anxious and with terrible self-esteem.

Bottom line is that she did the best she could. I know that. We all make mistakes with our kids, and she made her share. But she was a person who tried. I guess we can't ask more than that.